Season 24, Story 2/4, Serial 7E, 4 x 25 min episodes, 5th to 26th October 1987, Writer: Stephen Wyatt, Director: Nicholas Mallett, Script Editor: Andrew Cartmel, Producer: John Nathan-Turner.
I fall in and out of love with Keff McCulloch's take on the theme, to be honest.
I think it dated quite badly but maybe we've now gone past a point where it's become timeless.
It's a strong, individual take that immediately evokes its' era, and (not that you ever tend to do this with other versions to be fair)...
...it's hard to imagine any of the other versions going with this title sequence.
Swirly-whirly, winky, er...
Still the worst logo, though.
Welcome to...
PART ONE (5th October 1987)
In a run down corridor, a terrified young woman in yellow rags seeks shelter from the taunts of a teenage gang beneath some graffiti that appears to depict another of her gang being menaced by a giant claw...
Aboard the TARDIS, Mel is feeling in need of well-earned relaxation after the exertions of Lakertya, and has space-googled a database of travel brochures.
With the TARDIS' own swimming pool having been jettisoned not so long ago, Paradise Towers looks just the ticket, even if the Doctor isn't convinced.
As far as appearances go, the recently regenerated 7th Doctor is a small, dark figure, with penetrating grey eyes. His clothes are as undistinguished as his appearance: shabby check trousers, an off-white jacket, and garish question mark pullover. A battered straw hat rests atop the console's central column, and a red-handled umbrella hangs from the nearby hatstand.
The Doctor isn't in the mood to just put his feet up, though, and bemoans Mel's lack of a "spirit of adventure"!
Back in the run down corridor, the last of the Yellow Kangs breathes a sigh of relief as the voices taunting her move away...
Finally persuaded, the Doctor agrees to visit Paradise Towers so he can explore and admire the architecture whilst Mel takes a dip in the pool...
...but when they get there, well, let's just say the brochure oversold it. A lot.
Rats might be highly intelligent creatures, but they hardly make for ideal neighbours. "Paradise" Towers is a right dump!
A rather too symbolic piece of graffiti momentarily catches the Doctor's eye. Perhaps it reminds him of Telos?
Mel dismisses some discarded circuits boards as rubbish, but the Doctor tells her that "nothing's just rubbish if you have an enquiring mind". He is a terrible hoarder, though, to which many a room aboard the TARDIS will attest.
Although the place has seen better days, Mel prefers to stick it out and see if the pool's in better shape rather than try again for the swimming pool on the planet Griophos that the Doctor mentions. It is for the exclusive use of the Gulmari, mind you - a rather nasty breed of flesh eating octopi.
They agree to have separate wanders, but to meet at the pool if anything goes wrong. The Doctor tells Mel there's no need to get worried yet - just as a crossbow bolt thuds into the wall between them!
I don't remember there being a "Caretaker" in the village people?
On Potassium St., Caretaker number 345/12 reports evidence of "wall-scrawlers" to his Chief, who orders him into section 301 in pursuit.
"What's the matter?"
"I'm scared, Chief."
The Doctor and Mel meet a gang of young girls decked out in red - the Red Kangs no less - who are suspicious that Mel might belong to the rival Blue Kangs.
The Doctor's interest is piqued when they let slip that there's only one Yellow Kang left.
The two that seem at least nominally in charge are named "Bin Liner" and "Fire Escape".
The Doctor confuses the Kangs when he tries to shake hands, and has to win them over by matching their "how you do" ritual.
Seems like the Doctor's made the cut: his clothing ranks as "high fabsion and ice hot... for an old one."
Mel's not really gang material, though.
As the Chief Caretaker orders the hapless Caretaker number 345/12 further one, a blue Kang reports "Yellow Kang the last believed unalive. Reason not known." before following him.
The reason is left in no doubt as we see what the Cleaning robot is disposing of...
Interrupting a hearty rendition of "Red Kangs are best!", the Doctor enquires as to other visitors.
"No visitors allowed!" There are only the Kangs, the "Old ones" and the Caretakers, who "wipe away our wallscrawl, chase us down Carrydoors, catch us if they can.", but no boys.
The Doctor and Mel attempt to leave but the Kangs heard them talking about the "Great Pool in the Sky" and determine to take them back to their hide-out-in.
Caretaker number 345/12 is cornered by a couple of Cleaners.
How does that grab you!
Not a fan of the Cleaning robots. Anything you can (or should be able to) simply walk away from is a fail for me. See also Vengeance on Varos & The Happiness Patrol.
The Red Kangs have to take an alternative route to their hide-in due to nearby Blue Kang activity.
Whatever else goes on in this Kang warfare, "To make unalive is not part of the Kang way. No ball games, no fly posts, no wipe-outs." The Doctor asks who is responsible, then, but Fire Escape's only response is "It takes place."
"Build high for happiness!"
After curiously promising "Daddy's little pet" a nice little snack, the Chief Caretaker orders his Deputy to enact Emergency plan 908B: Seize all Red Wall-Scrawlers in Fountain of Happiness square.
When the Caretakers ambush the Red Kangs, Mel escapes with the other girls, but the Doctor falls down the stairs...
...and is easily captured by the Deputy Caretaker.
With the Red Kangs running for their lives, Mel is able to give them the slip, even with her hands still tied.
Suddenly, calling to her from the open door of apartment 1236 is a tiny, sweet looking old lady dressed in pink, Tilda.
Tilda invites her in for tea and crumpets, which admittedly would go down a treat.
Tilda's friend Tabby wants to know if Mel is fat. Which seems like an odd question until Tilda tells her to tidy away some rather gruesome looking leftovers.
Tilda and Tabby tut at the rough treatment Mel has endured from the Red Kangs, and set her free.
These residents - Rezzies - are very much enjoying the thought of having Mel for tea for some reason.
"You're a thin little thing, aren't you? Oh, but never mind, dear. Tilda and I will feed you up."
In line with some obscure regulation, the Doctor is permitted to stop for one and a half minutes for every three thousand steps walked.
"By my two tickers, what's that?" he rather oddly exclaims at the sight of some "wallscrawl" that appears to depict a Kang meeting a grisly end at the hands, or claw, of a Cleaner.
That is Sherlock Holmes' worst disguise yet.
As a robotic cleaner arrives round the corner, its claw arm extending towards them, the Doctor casually asks if the Deputy usually does what he usually does in these circumstances: Run!
Tabby and Tilda give Mel a rather scatter brained history lesson. Ever since the Great Architect finished Paradise Towers, all the youngsters and oldsters were moved here. Those of suitable age and fitness seem to have gone away to fight a war.
"I often wonder whether we won that war or not." Well, no one seems to have come back, do they? I like to think this was a war against someone like the Daleks, or maybe the Draconians.
Mel starts to make her excuses, but the Rezzies try to encourage her to "eat and eat till her heart's content and get nice and plump and healthy, safe from those nasty Kangs."
Their peace and quiet is suddenly shattered, by a loud splintering as the flat’s front door is smashed in by an unseen fist. Soon, a large hole gapes in the wooden panels of the door.
In steps a man, dressed, if not built, like an action hero, with a commando-style outfit, a strange tattoo on his neck and a powerful-looking gun in his hand. He introduces himself as "Pex; I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights!"
"Are these old ladies annoying you? Are you annoying these old ladies? Have you had an accident in the last 12 months that wasn't your fault?"
The Doctor and the Caretakers make it to the lift, and though the Deputy doesn't expect it to work, a good bash from the Doctor's (non-question mark handled) umbrella sees them escape in the nick of time!
Thanks in part to Pex's intrusion, Mel is able to part from the Rezzies.
Pex tags along, sure that she needs a protector. Mel puts him in his place, but agrees that he can be her guide.
The Chief Caretaker watches the Doctor and the Deputy exit the lift on the screen, and is intrigued. "I don't believe it. It's not possible. It can't be... It could be..."
Mel and Pex come across the Blue Kangs holding a memorial service of sorts to the last of the Yellow Kangs. "Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour, but brave and bold as a Kang should be."
Arriving at Caretaker HQ, the Doctor is welcomed with open arms by the Chief, who believes he is Paradise Towers' Great Architect returned to restore Paradise Towers to glory. As such, he demands a rallying chant: "All Hail the Great Architect, all hail!"
However, when asked what they should do with him next, it's the story of the Doctor's life: "Kill him."
So, at the end of part one, what have we got so far? A bit of a mixed bag; almost unparalleled world building and a feral dystopian nightmare but almost completely buried under some pretty ropey production values, quite terrible music and some questionable (in Briers' case, bordering on unprofessional) performances. You can detect the good ideas behind this story, but there's an unfortunate gulf between script and execution. You can see how this fitted Cartmel's love of 2000AD. Though ostensibly based on Ballard's High Rise, the Halo Jones and Judge Dredd influences *are* still there, as shades.
The Doctor is most irked to be sentenced to death without a trial. You'd think he'd be a bit fed up of trials by now.
With the Doctor doomed to death under 327 appendix 3 subsection 9, the Chief Caretaker is called away to investigate the unfortunate fate of poor old Caretaker 345/12 subsection 3.
She just wants to find the Doctor.
Bin Liner reports that the un-young Doctor and the girl who isn't a Kang are lost for now...
...and No Exit has been "taken to the cleaners".
The Doctor begins to puzzle over why the Cleaners would attack the Caretakers...
...and why the Chief Caretakers would want the Great Architect, who he isn't, dead.
The Doctor decides to get shot of the Caretakers, and posits that as a condemned man, he should be allowed a last request. His is to get a look at their rulebook.
Once he has it, he begins to spin them a yarn that in the case of a 327 appendix 3 subsection 9 death, "after you've been guarding the condemned prisoner for 35 minutes, you must all stand up" - so they do!
"The Caretakers present must then move five paces away from the prisoner, close their eyes and put their hands above their head." This off kilter anarchic side to the new Doctor is a part of the "aging hippy" side, and though very silly, is an early sign of his aptitude for manipulation.
Then it's just a pick of the pocket and a pilfering of keycards to freedom.
The Doctor and Mel come frustratingly close to crossing paths.
Finding herself back at the square, Mel begins to question Pex's navigation...
...and to doubt that he was really appointed as protector of Paradise Towers by "those who I am not allowed to name."
The Doctor continues to look for Mel, and notes some more interesting wall-scrawl.
The Chief Caretaker impresses on his staff that "Careless chat about the Robotic Self-activating Megapodic mark 7Z Cleaners having got out of control is not going to help anyone."
What also won't help is that "the Great Architect" has escaped.
Tabby and Tilda are just polishing off a meal, but it was smaller than they'd hoped. Maybe that delicious Mel might come back? She said she would.
Nah, it's just their neighbour, Maddy, gossiping about missing Caretakers.
The Doctor tries to use the phone, but the line is dead. When he gives it a thump, it pays out in coins minted by "The Great Architect", whose name, he discovers, was "Kroagnon".
Jesus wept. Why does he just stand there waiting for the Cleaner to catch up with him?
At least he's able to play two Cleaners off against each other, even if his escape through a nearby door seems more accidental than he might have intended.
Pex is a rubbish advance scout, as he demonstrates by leading Mel right into Blue kang country.
The Doctor is relieved to find himself in the Red Kang "Brainquarters", where they confirm that the Cleaners have been making Kangs "unalive".
With his haul of coins, the Doctor gets the Kangs into fizzy pop.
It's a gateway drink.
The verdict? "Ice hot!"
In the basement, the Chief Caretaker pays a visit to his pet. His HUNGRY pet. Some sort of Beast Below, I bet.
He tries - unconvincingly - to assert his authority: "If you don't tell Daddy who's been feeding you behind his back, I won't give you the Great Architect to eat."
The response is ominous, if predictable: "HUNGRY!"
"All Kangs know the muscle brain. He's a scaredy-cat. When the In-Betweens sent us all here in the ship, us and the Oldsters, the muscle brain hid away and came with us because he didn't want to fight in the war along with the other In-Betweens."
The Blue Kangs agree to let Mel be on her way, but continue to taunt Pex, and call him a scaredy-cat.
The Caretakers are perturbed by their colleagues disappearing, so the Chief tries to point the fingers at the Kangs.
Sorry, but "wall-scrawlers" is just making me think of Spider-Man.
Mel soon finds herself back near flat 1236, and taking up Tilda's offer of a cuppa.
The Caretakers are hot on the Doctor's trail.
The Kangs' stronghold is soon under attack, as the Caretakers start to cut their way in.
In flat 1236, Mel attempts to make a move, put this time the Rezzies aren't taking no for an answer.
In case we hadn't guessed by now, they're cannibals. The black humoured reality of how they've survived revealed for the story's second cliffhanger!
Oh hell, Mel's screaming again. Turn the volume down, everyone.
PART THREE (19th October 1987)
The Red Kangs do have an escape route but the Doctor's going to have to buy them some time.
Mel still can't quite believe what's happening and, mercifully packing in the screaming, pleads for some sanity: "Look, a joke's a joke, but this gone on long enough."
Luckily for Mel, the waste disposal unit is a bit proactive.
Having just seen Tabby taken to the Cleaners, Tilda decides to check the waste disposal for herself. Pillock.
Tilda blames Mel for Tabby's demise and threatens Mel with the chop.
In the nick of time, Pex trashes the door, drawing the murderous Rezzie's ire.
When Tilda's first throw misses him, she goes back to the sink for another knife while Pex is paralysed with fear, but she's tempted fate and is taken to the Cleaners.
Pex is delighted to have actually (sort of) saved someone for the first time ever. .
It's off to feed the hungry thing in the basement for Tabby and Tilda.
Sherlock Holmes and the Caretakers have finally cut through the door...
...but the Kangs have gone, and they're greeted by a rather pleased with himself Doctor.
Ransacking the Rezzie flat, Mel finds the plans to Paradise Towers.
Apparently there are 304 floors and they're on floor 109.
Pex becomes afraid when he hears Mel wants to get to the great pool in the sky on floor 304: "Only the unalive go there..."
The Chief Caretaker is pleased to welcome the Doctor back because now he dosn't have to bump off his deputy for failing, which "would have involved an enormous amount of extra paperwork."
Mel and Pex make their way through the corridors, and wander into Blue Kang territory...
...pursued by a Cleaner.
The Chief isn't so sure the Doctor is the "Great Architect" any more. Just when Paradise Towers was being completed Kroagnon disappeared under mysterious circumstances, despite his "extravagant future plans."
The Doctor has rumbled that the Chief is jittery because the Cleaners are disappearing people without instructions from him.
The tables are turned.
When the Deputy reports the disappearance of Tilda and Tabby down the waste disposal chute, the Chief is obliged to investigate, so leaves the Doctor with a copy of the Illustrated Prospectus of Paradise Towers.
Mel and Pex escape a Cleaner in the nick of time by making it to the lift...
...but instead of going up to the Pool in the Sky, they're headed down.
Pex explains that the Kangs get in the lift and press the buttons for floors up and down the building.
The Cleaner waits patiently for them to come back down.
The Doctor is saved from the tedium of the Paradise Towers video brochure by Bin Liner and Fire Escape.
The Chief Caretaker buys Maddy's silence with promises to move her into the larger two person flat recently vacated by Tilda and Tabby.
Mel and Pex might be going in the right direction now, but the lights have gone out. When they interfere with the controls it only makes things worse, and they hurtle downwards again.
The Doctor has brought the PT Prospectus with him, hoping to find clues as to the whereabouts of the missing Great Architect. The mention of "Miracle City" seems to jog a memory.
Mel and Pex warily peep out in the basement, but wander away...
...too soon to see a caretaker being fed to the Beast Below. "Soon, soon, soon I shall be free..."
Miracle City was Kroagnon's masterpiece. So much so that he refused to let anyone live there.
Those that forcibly evicted him lived to regret it, but as nothing could be proven he just moved on to other work - including Paradise Towers - before disappearing.
The Doctor theorizes that this is why Paradise Towers is unfinished - the adults of this world thought they were being clever trapping him in his own building, but when they left and failed to return there was no one to keep him there.
"He's bound to get out in the end."
The Chief Caretaker finds a Cleaner out of place but instead of following his orders it ushers him towards the basement.
Pex's solution to the broken lift is not exactly rocket science ("Shall I hit it?") but it seems to do the trick. Up, up and away!
Listening to tales of a secret smoking door, the Doctor resolves to take the Caretakers' secret lift to the basement, but just when he's about to set off, the Red Kang hideout is invaded by Blue Kangs, and a shouting match ensues.
The Doctor tries to make peace between the Reds and Blues ahead of Sunday's derby match.
Pex and Mel finally make it to floor 304. Hurrah!
After all that, there really is a swimming pool, and there's the sky - floor 304 is on the roof!
Pex is fearful. Only the unalive come here...
Mel thinks all the chat about the pool being deadly is just Caretaker BS, and decides to have a pre-dip chillax.
Needless to say, she's wrong about the Caretakers making up stories to keep the pool to themselves.
Down in the basement it begins to dawn on the Chief what his "pet" means when it says the bodies he brought it were not right...
As the Doctor and the Kangs arrive at the end of the corridor, the truth is revealed: "I am ready now. I have my plan... You have done all I need you to do. I need only one more thing from you..."
"I am Kroagnon, the Great Architect, and I will put an end to you and everyone in Paradise Towers!" booms the voice, as the Cleaner pushes the Chief into the No Entry area and a giant tube descends over him...
The Chief's screams have allowed a pair of Cleaners to sneak up on the Doctor and his pals!
How does that grab you!
PART FOUR (26th October 1987)
The Doctor is yanked to safety as the Blue Kang leader totals the Cleaner with her crossbow.
It seems the Chief is no more, as his zombified body stiffly lurches out of the No Entry zone.
"Attention all Robotic Cleaners! At last Kroagnon can leave the basement prison they trapped his bodiless brain in and return in this borrowed body to the corridors and lifts of his own creation!"
"They buried me away because I wanted to stop them using the Towers, and now you and I will destroy them!"
The Doctor catches his breath and gives his verdict: Kroagnon has spent his long imprisonment developing "Corpo-electroscopy". That's a way to transplant his brain into a host body to you and me.
Mel gets her long awaited dip in the pool...
...but is rudely interrupted by the Pool Cleaner.
Needless to say, Pex is ruddy useless.
In amongst duckings, Mel has to scrabble to the shallow end...
...so she can grab Pex's gun and fend the Cleaner off for herself.
Gathering up the Red and Blue Kangs, the Doctor decides it's high time he found Mel and headed for the Great Pool in the Sky.
At Caretaker HQ, the Deputy is similarly pulling back his colleagues to safety, invoking regulation ZZZ.
When Mel hears a rustling, Pex is too afraid to see what the disturbance is.
Luckily, it's a friendly face - the Doctor!
Pex is none too happy to see the Kangs following the Doctor into the pool area.
Kroagnon leads his Cleaners out of the basement and has them dispose of a pesky Caretaker in his way.
While the Doctor catches Mel up on Kroagnon's return, the Kangs taunt Pex for depending on Mel to come to his rescue.
"That's Paradise Towers in a nutshell, I'm afraid. The Red Kangs didn't trust the Blue Kangs, and none of them trusted the Caretakers. The Rezzies prey on whoever they can and trust no one either. And all of them despise poor old Pex. The Great Architect must be delighted."
With taunts of "Cowardly Cutlet" ringing in his ears, Pex takes off...
...only to find his way blocked by the arrival of the surviving Rezzies, who have come to ask for the Doctor's help.
At first the Deputy is pleased to see his Chief, but he soon rumbles that something is wrong when his boss intones not only that the Towers have become appallingly dirty...
...but that "the whole place is polluted with flesh... Living flesh." Bit of a dead giveaway, really.
The Deputy sensibly scarpers, leaping to freedom. Exeunt, pursued by a Cleaner.
The surviving Rezzies confirm the Doctor's fears; Kroagnon has possessed the Chief Caretaker and is making his way up the Tower, clearing the floors one by one.
Maddy claims that the worst Rezzies are all gone and the remainder just want to let bygones be bygones. I bet you do, I bet you do.
The Kangs reluctantly agree, but are still down on Pex until the Doctor shushes them.
The Kangs agree an alliance of necessity with the Rezzies and even Pex, but rule out joining forces with the Caretakers...
...until the Deputy and his mates turn up, not quite cap in hand.
Kroagnon loves it when a plan comes together.
The Deputy confirms that Kroagnon is holed up in Caretaker HQ, so the Doctor needs a way to draw him out, and lead him into a trap.
Although it's against the rulebook to say so, the Deputy makes an exception and discloses that there's a secret pest control stash of explosives on the 254th floor. That'll do nicely.
Kroagnon decides to see what "the human garbage" is up to at the pool but seems to have forgotten one of his own rules as the computer chimes that "By express order of the Great Architect, surveillance of the swimming pool is not allowed."
The Doctor thinks that Kroagnon can only be tempted out of his hidey hole by the chance to meet an intellect in his own league i.e. he's going to use himself as bait.
To prove he's brave, Pex volunteers to lead the Kroagnon to the Doctor, and his trap.
First, then, bait the trap: "I'd heard so much about Paradise Towers I thought I'd come and take a look and, believe me, I'm very disappointed. It displays exactly what everyone says is your usual failure as an architect. Not making allowances for people."
Suitably riled by the suggestion that this upstart could give him pointers, Kroagnon is on the hook.
Step 2: The Rezzies and Kangs team up to put the Cleaners out of commission.
The Doctor and Mel give Pex a pep talk about putting Step 3 into action: he's to get Kroagnon out of Caretaker HQ so that he doesn't clock the Cleaners getting put out of action, but then he needs to stall him till the Doctor's ready. Most importantly: "no heroics!"
Mel passes on an unexpected gift that lifts Pex's spirits: a bracelet made by the Kangs to make him an honorary Kang!
Pex leaves his gun with Mel; he can't take it with him...
The Blue Kangs continue cleaning the Cleaners' clocks.
Step 3: Kroagnon takes the bait, accepting Pex's offer to lead him to the Doctor.
The Doctor and the gang work hurriedly to rig the explosives now that Kroagnon's away from his CCTV monitors.
They just have to hope Pex doesn't panic and rush things otherwise the booby trap could blow up in their own faces.
Kroagnon stomps onward, warning Pex that he won't take to it kindly if this turns out to be a trick.
The Kang scouts give the signal that Kroagnon's on his way.
It's a mad scramble to the finish line now.
Pex watches on nervously, feeling he's not quite done his bit.
The Doctor ushers Kroagnon towards the rigged door, inviting him to comment on the "shoddy" design.
The Doctor springs the trap. "Speaking as an expert, I'm prepared to tell the universe you couldn't design a simple doorknob. I mean, look..."
But Kroagnon is not so easily fooled and resists the Doctor's attempt to shove him through the rigged door.
With the plan in tatters, Pex finally plucks up his courage.
He tackles Kroagnon through the doorway, sacrificing himself to vanquish the "Great Architect". Paradise Towers has been saved, but Pex is unalive.
Some time later, with freedom restored to the occupants of Paradise Towers, the Doctor and Mel prepare to say their farewells, but have stayed to see Pex's memorial service.
"Hail Pex, hail the unalive."
Having hailed the unalive Pex, the Kangs give the Doctor a blue and red scarf he loves so much HE NEVER WEARS IT AGAIN. Mind you, he ditched that tartan scarf after only one story, so you never know, we may see it again (we won't).
As they return to the newly de-wallscrawled TARDIS, the Doctor raises his hat to a nearby piece of junk in a call back to the conversation he and Mel had on their arrival.
"No, Doctor."
"Well you never can tell!"
As the TARDIS dematerializes, the wall behind is revealed, showing a new style of graffiti - crossed blue and red scarves, and the words "Pex Lives"...
So it's goodbye to Paradise Towers. It's a story I like a bit more each time I see it, but still one of my least favourite by some considerable distance because the production falls so far short of the scripts' intentions.
Bonnie in particular has next to nothing to work with, but is an absolute trooper in making Mel a positive and friendly character. Whilst the sets, props and guest cast are all quite sub-par, I think the script also needed a hell of a lot of work too though. Perhaps Cartmel's then inexperience showing?
But on the plus side. the language is inventive, Pex is sympathetic and there are kernels of good concepts, albeit mostly cribbed from JG Ballard's High Rise and 2000AD. McCoy's era does get significantly better quite quickly, and especially as JNT starts to take more of a backseat and trust in Cartmel. Is it fair to say that JNT was a cracking Production Unit Manager and publicist, but with creative instincts somewhat lacking, perhaps?
TTFN! K.
Coming Soon... Planet of the Spiders!
The Doctor's interest is piqued when they let slip that there's only one Yellow Kang left.
The two that seem at least nominally in charge are named "Bin Liner" and "Fire Escape".
The Doctor confuses the Kangs when he tries to shake hands, and has to win them over by matching their "how you do" ritual.
Seems like the Doctor's made the cut: his clothing ranks as "high fabsion and ice hot... for an old one."
Mel's not really gang material, though.
As the Chief Caretaker orders the hapless Caretaker number 345/12 further one, a blue Kang reports "Yellow Kang the last believed unalive. Reason not known." before following him.
The reason is left in no doubt as we see what the Cleaning robot is disposing of...
Interrupting a hearty rendition of "Red Kangs are best!", the Doctor enquires as to other visitors.
"No visitors allowed!" There are only the Kangs, the "Old ones" and the Caretakers, who "wipe away our wallscrawl, chase us down Carrydoors, catch us if they can.", but no boys.
The Doctor and Mel attempt to leave but the Kangs heard them talking about the "Great Pool in the Sky" and determine to take them back to their hide-
Caretaker number 345/12 is cornered by a couple of Cleaners.
How does that grab you!
Not a fan of the Cleaning robots. Anything you can (or should be able to) simply walk away from is a fail for me. See also Vengeance on Varos & The Happiness Patrol.
The Red Kangs have to take an alternative route to their hide-in due to nearby Blue Kang activity.
Whatever else goes on in this Kang warfare, "To make unalive is not part of the Kang way. No ball games, no fly posts, no wipe-outs." The Doctor asks who is responsible, then, but Fire Escape's only response is "It takes place."
"Build high for happiness!"
After curiously promising "Daddy's little pet" a nice little snack, the Chief Caretaker orders his Deputy to enact Emergency plan 908B: Seize all Red Wall-Scrawlers in Fountain of Happiness square.
When the Caretakers ambush the Red Kangs, Mel escapes with the other girls, but the Doctor falls down the stairs...
...and is easily captured by the Deputy Caretaker.
With the Red Kangs running for their lives, Mel is able to give them the slip, even with her hands still tied.
Suddenly, calling to her from the open door of apartment 1236 is a tiny, sweet looking old lady dressed in pink, Tilda.
Tilda invites her in for tea and crumpets, which admittedly would go down a treat.
Tilda's friend Tabby wants to know if Mel is fat. Which seems like an odd question until Tilda tells her to tidy away some rather gruesome looking leftovers.
Tilda and Tabby tut at the rough treatment Mel has endured from the Red Kangs, and set her free.
These residents - Rezzies - are very much enjoying the thought of having Mel for tea for some reason.
"You're a thin little thing, aren't you? Oh, but never mind, dear. Tilda and I will feed you up."
In line with some obscure regulation, the Doctor is permitted to stop for one and a half minutes for every three thousand steps walked.
"By my two tickers, what's that?" he rather oddly exclaims at the sight of some "wallscrawl" that appears to depict a Kang meeting a grisly end at the hands, or claw, of a Cleaner.
Sylv's still finding his Doctor. He's not *quite* there yet, but he's getting precious little to work with from certain quarters of the production.
That is Sherlock Holmes' worst disguise yet.
As a robotic cleaner arrives round the corner, its claw arm extending towards them, the Doctor casually asks if the Deputy usually does what he usually does in these circumstances: Run!
Tabby and Tilda give Mel a rather scatter brained history lesson. Ever since the Great Architect finished Paradise Towers, all the youngsters and oldsters were moved here. Those of suitable age and fitness seem to have gone away to fight a war.
"I often wonder whether we won that war or not." Well, no one seems to have come back, do they? I like to think this was a war against someone like the Daleks, or maybe the Draconians.
Mel starts to make her excuses, but the Rezzies try to encourage her to "eat and eat till her heart's content and get nice and plump and healthy, safe from those nasty Kangs."
Their peace and quiet is suddenly shattered, by a loud splintering as the flat’s front door is smashed in by an unseen fist. Soon, a large hole gapes in the wooden panels of the door.
In steps a man, dressed, if not built, like an action hero, with a commando-style outfit, a strange tattoo on his neck and a powerful-looking gun in his hand. He introduces himself as "Pex; I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights!"
"Are these old ladies annoying you? Are you annoying these old ladies? Have you had an accident in the last 12 months that wasn't your fault?"
The Rezzies protest that that's the 3rd time they've had to have their door repaired after a Pex intervention. "And it's not as though we've ever been in any trouble!"
The Doctor and the Caretakers make it to the lift, and though the Deputy doesn't expect it to work, a good bash from the Doctor's (non-question mark handled) umbrella sees them escape in the nick of time!
Thanks in part to Pex's intrusion, Mel is able to part from the Rezzies.
Pex tags along, sure that she needs a protector. Mel puts him in his place, but agrees that he can be her guide.
The Chief Caretaker watches the Doctor and the Deputy exit the lift on the screen, and is intrigued. "I don't believe it. It's not possible. It can't be... It could be..."
Mel and Pex come across the Blue Kangs holding a memorial service of sorts to the last of the Yellow Kangs. "Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour, but brave and bold as a Kang should be."
Arriving at Caretaker HQ, the Doctor is welcomed with open arms by the Chief, who believes he is Paradise Towers' Great Architect returned to restore Paradise Towers to glory. As such, he demands a rallying chant: "All Hail the Great Architect, all hail!"
However, when asked what they should do with him next, it's the story of the Doctor's life: "Kill him."
So, at the end of part one, what have we got so far? A bit of a mixed bag; almost unparalleled world building and a feral dystopian nightmare but almost completely buried under some pretty ropey production values, quite terrible music and some questionable (in Briers' case, bordering on unprofessional) performances. You can detect the good ideas behind this story, but there's an unfortunate gulf between script and execution. You can see how this fitted Cartmel's love of 2000AD. Though ostensibly based on Ballard's High Rise, the Halo Jones and Judge Dredd influences *are* still there, as shades.
PART TWO (12th October 1987)
The Doctor is most irked to be sentenced to death without a trial. You'd think he'd be a bit fed up of trials by now.
With the Doctor doomed to death under 327 appendix 3 subsection 9, the Chief Caretaker is called away to investigate the unfortunate fate of poor old Caretaker 345/12 subsection 3.
Mel is singularly unimpressed with Pex's feats of strength.
She just wants to find the Doctor.
Bin Liner reports that the un-young Doctor and the girl who isn't a Kang are lost for now...
...and No Exit has been "taken to the cleaners".
The Doctor begins to puzzle over why the Cleaners would attack the Caretakers...
...and why the Chief Caretakers would want the Great Architect, who he isn't, dead.
The Doctor decides to get shot of the Caretakers, and posits that as a condemned man, he should be allowed a last request. His is to get a look at their rulebook.
Once he has it, he begins to spin them a yarn that in the case of a 327 appendix 3 subsection 9 death, "after you've been guarding the condemned prisoner for 35 minutes, you must all stand up" - so they do!
"The Caretakers present must then move five paces away from the prisoner, close their eyes and put their hands above their head." This off kilter anarchic side to the new Doctor is a part of the "aging hippy" side, and though very silly, is an early sign of his aptitude for manipulation.
Then it's just a pick of the pocket and a pilfering of keycards to freedom.
The Doctor and Mel come frustratingly close to crossing paths.
Finding herself back at the square, Mel begins to question Pex's navigation...
...and to doubt that he was really appointed as protector of Paradise Towers by "those who I am not allowed to name."
The Doctor continues to look for Mel, and notes some more interesting wall-scrawl.
The Chief Caretaker impresses on his staff that "Careless chat about the Robotic Self-activating Megapodic mark 7Z Cleaners having got out of control is not going to help anyone."
What also won't help is that "the Great Architect" has escaped.
Tabby and Tilda are just polishing off a meal, but it was smaller than they'd hoped. Maybe that delicious Mel might come back? She said she would.
Nah, it's just their neighbour, Maddy, gossiping about missing Caretakers.
The Doctor tries to use the phone, but the line is dead. When he gives it a thump, it pays out in coins minted by "The Great Architect", whose name, he discovers, was "Kroagnon".
Jesus wept. Why does he just stand there waiting for the Cleaner to catch up with him?
At least he's able to play two Cleaners off against each other, even if his escape through a nearby door seems more accidental than he might have intended.
Pex is a rubbish advance scout, as he demonstrates by leading Mel right into Blue kang country.
The Doctor is relieved to find himself in the Red Kang "Brainquarters", where they confirm that the Cleaners have been making Kangs "unalive".
With his haul of coins, the Doctor gets the Kangs into fizzy pop.
It's a gateway drink.
The verdict? "Ice hot!"
In the basement, the Chief Caretaker pays a visit to his pet. His HUNGRY pet. Some sort of Beast Below, I bet.
He tries - unconvincingly - to assert his authority: "If you don't tell Daddy who's been feeding you behind his back, I won't give you the Great Architect to eat."
The response is ominous, if predictable: "HUNGRY!"
Turns out the Blue Kangs have history with Pex.
"All Kangs know the muscle brain. He's a scaredy-cat. When the In-Betweens sent us all here in the ship, us and the Oldsters, the muscle brain hid away and came with us because he didn't want to fight in the war along with the other In-Betweens."
The Blue Kangs agree to let Mel be on her way, but continue to taunt Pex, and call him a scaredy-cat.
The Caretakers are perturbed by their colleagues disappearing, so the Chief tries to point the fingers at the Kangs.
Sorry, but "wall-scrawlers" is just making me think of Spider-Man.
Mel soon finds herself back near flat 1236, and taking up Tilda's offer of a cuppa.
The Caretakers are hot on the Doctor's trail.
The Kangs' stronghold is soon under attack, as the Caretakers start to cut their way in.
In flat 1236, Mel attempts to make a move, put this time the Rezzies aren't taking no for an answer.
In case we hadn't guessed by now, they're cannibals. The black humoured reality of how they've survived revealed for the story's second cliffhanger!
Oh hell, Mel's screaming again. Turn the volume down, everyone.
PART THREE (19th October 1987)
The Red Kangs do have an escape route but the Doctor's going to have to buy them some time.
Mel still can't quite believe what's happening and, mercifully packing in the screaming, pleads for some sanity: "Look, a joke's a joke, but this gone on long enough."
Luckily for Mel, the waste disposal unit is a bit proactive.
Having just seen Tabby taken to the Cleaners, Tilda decides to check the waste disposal for herself. Pillock.
Tilda blames Mel for Tabby's demise and threatens Mel with the chop.
In the nick of time, Pex trashes the door, drawing the murderous Rezzie's ire.
When Tilda's first throw misses him, she goes back to the sink for another knife while Pex is paralysed with fear, but she's tempted fate and is taken to the Cleaners.
Pex is delighted to have actually (sort of) saved someone for the first time ever. .
It's off to feed the hungry thing in the basement for Tabby and Tilda.
Sherlock Holmes and the Caretakers have finally cut through the door...
...but the Kangs have gone, and they're greeted by a rather pleased with himself Doctor.
"I don't know what you're so pleased about. There's a 327 appendix 3 subsection 9 death waiting for you."
Ransacking the Rezzie flat, Mel finds the plans to Paradise Towers.
Apparently there are 304 floors and they're on floor 109.
Pex becomes afraid when he hears Mel wants to get to the great pool in the sky on floor 304: "Only the unalive go there..."
The Chief Caretaker is pleased to welcome the Doctor back because now he dosn't have to bump off his deputy for failing, which "would have involved an enormous amount of extra paperwork."
With the Deputy getting panicky about his missing minions, the Chief clears the room for a "nice little Regulation 13 appendix 2 final conversation" with the Doctor.
Mel and Pex make their way through the corridors, and wander into Blue Kang territory...
...pursued by a Cleaner.
The Chief isn't so sure the Doctor is the "Great Architect" any more. Just when Paradise Towers was being completed Kroagnon disappeared under mysterious circumstances, despite his "extravagant future plans."
The Doctor has rumbled that the Chief is jittery because the Cleaners are disappearing people without instructions from him.
The tables are turned.
When the Deputy reports the disappearance of Tilda and Tabby down the waste disposal chute, the Chief is obliged to investigate, so leaves the Doctor with a copy of the Illustrated Prospectus of Paradise Towers.
Some real flashes of Doctorishness from Sylv now, but the direction is really not helping him. Surprising seeing as this is directed by the same person that later did the vastly superior The Curse of Fenric.
Mel and Pex escape a Cleaner in the nick of time by making it to the lift...
...but instead of going up to the Pool in the Sky, they're headed down.
Pex explains that the Kangs get in the lift and press the buttons for floors up and down the building.
The Cleaner waits patiently for them to come back down.
The Doctor is saved from the tedium of the Paradise Towers video brochure by Bin Liner and Fire Escape.
The Chief Caretaker buys Maddy's silence with promises to move her into the larger two person flat recently vacated by Tilda and Tabby.
Mel and Pex might be going in the right direction now, but the lights have gone out. When they interfere with the controls it only makes things worse, and they hurtle downwards again.
The Doctor has brought the PT Prospectus with him, hoping to find clues as to the whereabouts of the missing Great Architect. The mention of "Miracle City" seems to jog a memory.
Mel and Pex warily peep out in the basement, but wander away...
...too soon to see a caretaker being fed to the Beast Below. "Soon, soon, soon I shall be free..."
Miracle City was Kroagnon's masterpiece. So much so that he refused to let anyone live there.
Those that forcibly evicted him lived to regret it, but as nothing could be proven he just moved on to other work - including Paradise Towers - before disappearing.
The Doctor theorizes that this is why Paradise Towers is unfinished - the adults of this world thought they were being clever trapping him in his own building, but when they left and failed to return there was no one to keep him there.
"He's bound to get out in the end."
The Chief Caretaker finds a Cleaner out of place but instead of following his orders it ushers him towards the basement.
Pex's solution to the broken lift is not exactly rocket science ("Shall I hit it?") but it seems to do the trick. Up, up and away!
Listening to tales of a secret smoking door, the Doctor resolves to take the Caretakers' secret lift to the basement, but just when he's about to set off, the Red Kang hideout is invaded by Blue Kangs, and a shouting match ensues.
The Doctor tries to make peace between the Reds and Blues ahead of Sunday's derby match.
A truce is declared and the Blue Kangs join the quest to the basement. Build high for happiness!
Pex and Mel finally make it to floor 304. Hurrah!
After all that, there really is a swimming pool, and there's the sky - floor 304 is on the roof!
Pex is fearful. Only the unalive come here...
Mel thinks all the chat about the pool being deadly is just Caretaker BS, and decides to have a pre-dip chillax.
Needless to say, she's wrong about the Caretakers making up stories to keep the pool to themselves.
Down in the basement it begins to dawn on the Chief what his "pet" means when it says the bodies he brought it were not right...
As the Doctor and the Kangs arrive at the end of the corridor, the truth is revealed: "I am ready now. I have my plan... You have done all I need you to do. I need only one more thing from you..."
"I am Kroagnon, the Great Architect, and I will put an end to you and everyone in Paradise Towers!" booms the voice, as the Cleaner pushes the Chief into the No Entry area and a giant tube descends over him...
The Chief's screams have allowed a pair of Cleaners to sneak up on the Doctor and his pals!
How does that grab you!
PART FOUR (26th October 1987)
The Doctor is yanked to safety as the Blue Kang leader totals the Cleaner with her crossbow.
It seems the Chief is no more, as his zombified body stiffly lurches out of the No Entry zone.
"Attention all Robotic Cleaners! At last Kroagnon can leave the basement prison they trapped his bodiless brain in and return in this borrowed body to the corridors and lifts of his own creation!"
"They buried me away because I wanted to stop them using the Towers, and now you and I will destroy them!"
Have to admit, I really struggle with Briers' performance as Kroagnon. I get that he's supposed to be an animated corpse, but this is borderline unprofessional to me.
The Doctor catches his breath and gives his verdict: Kroagnon has spent his long imprisonment developing "Corpo-electroscopy". That's a way to transplant his brain into a host body to you and me.
Mel gets her long awaited dip in the pool...
...but is rudely interrupted by the Pool Cleaner.
Needless to say, Pex is ruddy useless.
In amongst duckings, Mel has to scrabble to the shallow end...
...so she can grab Pex's gun and fend the Cleaner off for herself.
Gathering up the Red and Blue Kangs, the Doctor decides it's high time he found Mel and headed for the Great Pool in the Sky.
At Caretaker HQ, the Deputy is similarly pulling back his colleagues to safety, invoking regulation ZZZ.
When Mel hears a rustling, Pex is too afraid to see what the disturbance is.
Luckily, it's a friendly face - the Doctor!
Pex is none too happy to see the Kangs following the Doctor into the pool area.
Kroagnon leads his Cleaners out of the basement and has them dispose of a pesky Caretaker in his way.
While the Doctor catches Mel up on Kroagnon's return, the Kangs taunt Pex for depending on Mel to come to his rescue.
"That's Paradise Towers in a nutshell, I'm afraid. The Red Kangs didn't trust the Blue Kangs, and none of them trusted the Caretakers. The Rezzies prey on whoever they can and trust no one either. And all of them despise poor old Pex. The Great Architect must be delighted."
With taunts of "Cowardly Cutlet" ringing in his ears, Pex takes off...
...only to find his way blocked by the arrival of the surviving Rezzies, who have come to ask for the Doctor's help.
At first the Deputy is pleased to see his Chief, but he soon rumbles that something is wrong when his boss intones not only that the Towers have become appallingly dirty...
...but that "the whole place is polluted with flesh... Living flesh." Bit of a dead giveaway, really.
The Deputy sensibly scarpers, leaping to freedom. Exeunt, pursued by a Cleaner.
The surviving Rezzies confirm the Doctor's fears; Kroagnon has possessed the Chief Caretaker and is making his way up the Tower, clearing the floors one by one.
Maddy claims that the worst Rezzies are all gone and the remainder just want to let bygones be bygones. I bet you do, I bet you do.
The Kangs reluctantly agree, but are still down on Pex until the Doctor shushes them.
The Kangs agree an alliance of necessity with the Rezzies and even Pex, but rule out joining forces with the Caretakers...
...until the Deputy and his mates turn up, not quite cap in hand.
Kroagnon loves it when a plan comes together.
The Deputy confirms that Kroagnon is holed up in Caretaker HQ, so the Doctor needs a way to draw him out, and lead him into a trap.
Although it's against the rulebook to say so, the Deputy makes an exception and discloses that there's a secret pest control stash of explosives on the 254th floor. That'll do nicely.
The Rezzies can chip in by throwing tablecloths over the Cleaners. Well, every little helps, I guess.
Kroagnon decides to see what "the human garbage" is up to at the pool but seems to have forgotten one of his own rules as the computer chimes that "By express order of the Great Architect, surveillance of the swimming pool is not allowed."
The Doctor thinks that Kroagnon can only be tempted out of his hidey hole by the chance to meet an intellect in his own league i.e. he's going to use himself as bait.
To prove he's brave, Pex volunteers to lead the Kroagnon to the Doctor, and his trap.
First, then, bait the trap: "I'd heard so much about Paradise Towers I thought I'd come and take a look and, believe me, I'm very disappointed. It displays exactly what everyone says is your usual failure as an architect. Not making allowances for people."
Suitably riled by the suggestion that this upstart could give him pointers, Kroagnon is on the hook.
Step 2: The Rezzies and Kangs team up to put the Cleaners out of commission.
The Doctor and Mel give Pex a pep talk about putting Step 3 into action: he's to get Kroagnon out of Caretaker HQ so that he doesn't clock the Cleaners getting put out of action, but then he needs to stall him till the Doctor's ready. Most importantly: "no heroics!"
Mel passes on an unexpected gift that lifts Pex's spirits: a bracelet made by the Kangs to make him an honorary Kang!
Pex leaves his gun with Mel; he can't take it with him...
The Blue Kangs continue cleaning the Cleaners' clocks.
Step 3: Kroagnon takes the bait, accepting Pex's offer to lead him to the Doctor.
The Doctor and the gang work hurriedly to rig the explosives now that Kroagnon's away from his CCTV monitors.
They just have to hope Pex doesn't panic and rush things otherwise the booby trap could blow up in their own faces.
Kroagnon stomps onward, warning Pex that he won't take to it kindly if this turns out to be a trick.
The Kang scouts give the signal that Kroagnon's on his way.
Things are careering towards the final stage rather too quickly: "Pex has been a scaredy cat. They'll be here in no time!"
It's a mad scramble to the finish line now.
Pex watches on nervously, feeling he's not quite done his bit.
The Doctor ushers Kroagnon towards the rigged door, inviting him to comment on the "shoddy" design.
The Doctor springs the trap. "Speaking as an expert, I'm prepared to tell the universe you couldn't design a simple doorknob. I mean, look..."
But Kroagnon is not so easily fooled and resists the Doctor's attempt to shove him through the rigged door.
With the plan in tatters, Pex finally plucks up his courage.
He tackles Kroagnon through the doorway, sacrificing himself to vanquish the "Great Architect". Paradise Towers has been saved, but Pex is unalive.
Some time later, with freedom restored to the occupants of Paradise Towers, the Doctor and Mel prepare to say their farewells, but have stayed to see Pex's memorial service.
"Hail Pex, hail the unalive."
Having hailed the unalive Pex, the Kangs give the Doctor a blue and red scarf he loves so much HE NEVER WEARS IT AGAIN. Mind you, he ditched that tartan scarf after only one story, so you never know, we may see it again (we won't).
As they return to the newly de-wallscrawled TARDIS, the Doctor raises his hat to a nearby piece of junk in a call back to the conversation he and Mel had on their arrival.
"No, Doctor."
"Well you never can tell!"
As the TARDIS dematerializes, the wall behind is revealed, showing a new style of graffiti - crossed blue and red scarves, and the words "Pex Lives"...
So it's goodbye to Paradise Towers. It's a story I like a bit more each time I see it, but still one of my least favourite by some considerable distance because the production falls so far short of the scripts' intentions.
Bonnie in particular has next to nothing to work with, but is an absolute trooper in making Mel a positive and friendly character. Whilst the sets, props and guest cast are all quite sub-par, I think the script also needed a hell of a lot of work too though. Perhaps Cartmel's then inexperience showing?
But on the plus side. the language is inventive, Pex is sympathetic and there are kernels of good concepts, albeit mostly cribbed from JG Ballard's High Rise and 2000AD. McCoy's era does get significantly better quite quickly, and especially as JNT starts to take more of a backseat and trust in Cartmel. Is it fair to say that JNT was a cracking Production Unit Manager and publicist, but with creative instincts somewhat lacking, perhaps?
TTFN! K.
Coming Soon... Planet of the Spiders!
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